Loneliness
At times, the grieving process can feel like you are all alone and unable to find your way home. You may have to reach out to others to let them know that you need their support. Asking for help can be uncomfortable and difficult, especially for counselors who are used to helping others. Asking for help does not mean that you are weak and it is important to give yourself permission to accept help from others. It feels good to help others and when we allow others to help us, we allow ourselves to receive the same gift in return.
- Christine
Bridge
​
I think that having faced that "bridge" of grief and making it to the other side has helped me understand and work with others who experience grief. It will help to guide when grief impacts one's ability to function on an expected path or when grief takes a toll on an individual and also how to help clients learn ways to cope to help move forward.
- Mia
My mom passed away in July 2014. The same week she passed, I experienced a miscarriage. As a result, I was depressed for about 6 months. Then in February 2015, I found out I was pregnant. This picture is my little girl at age 4. She helped me find meaning and happiness in my grief - she gave me purpose in life.
- Maria
Slow Down
Time is precious, "things" are not as important as you think and take time to enjoy. Busy doesn't win as the world seems to teach us. Slow down.
- Shanda
Death is a catalyst. Death does not permit rest. Death creates a paradigm shift and sometimes we have no idea we are moving. Client change in the processing of death can be any size or shape or level, whatever you choose to measure, but it is always there. From a biopsychosocial view, it is one of the few things that can permeate through all the cycles and circles we have in the course of our lives. From a CBT stance the lens changes, right? We see the client in a different light as they view the world from a new perspective, knowing that the person they are grieving is simply not there and sometimes everywhere all at once. I believe the grief experience can ignite the presence of the numinous in the most withdrawn or resistant person and it is a powerful transformation to witness.
​
Antler Photo Backstory- these hung in the basement in my parent's house for years. My Dad was an avid hunter and we ate what he killed. This set is from a deer he shot on the first day of hunting season in Western PA 1958. My mom did not have a love of antlers as decoration so when they got married, the antlers went to unseen places, like over the door from the cold cellar to the hot cellar in the basement of our farmhouse.
-Lynn
Movement
Change can be rocky and there are barriers, but there are many paths for continued movement.
​
- R. Lynn
After experiencing the loss of a dear friend, I felt as if that pain peeled a wound off huge old wounds. This period has been the most difficult time of my life like these stairs. No training that I have ever had prepared me for what I have gone through. My mind could not think of techniques or interventions.
Initially, nothing was working and it was a hard long road to travel and still be on the path. Slow steady steps have been necessary to climb and I am still climbing. This causes me to have so much empathy and compassion for clients who experience grief and trauma. It has been impossible to find a black
counselor that specializes in trauma, which makes me eager to help in this area. Multicultural competence is necessary.
- Maya A.
Rebuilding
​
You can rebuild your life and move forward. Death makes you aware that our time on earth is limited and precious. It has helped me to value my time with loved ones and cherish making memories knowing that is what I can keep in my heart forever. It has increased my desire to connect with those around me and made me more aware that we are all connected. Everyone will experience a loss in their lifetime and these experiences can help us to value our relationships (if we are open to these experiences).
- Christine
A Medium
I have learned to have an open mind and respect each client's ideas and ways they are managing their own grief.
- Shanda
New Life
This year I lost two of my fur babies that were such a huge part of our life. Mia who passed last year was our baby and part human. Her loss was overwhelming but having her sister Lizzy who always was second fiddle, helped to move through our loss of Mia as Lizzy never was the center of attention. She helped us move forward because she needed us. When Lizzy passed this year, the pain and emptiness felt similar to what I felt after my father passed. Pain that would not go away. I was crying every weekend. While I wanted to adopt again I felt it would a betrayal to Lizzy and Mia. But the emptiness and the COVID stay at home prompted us to adopt Luke and Leia. They had new personalities that will never replace our relationship with Mia and Lizzy, they are creating new memories for us.
- Mia
Client change is fluid. We are always changing - at a different pace and through different obstacles we eventually wind our way to our destination (like a
river).
- Maria
Grief lit up my awareness
​
I could see emotions more clearly and thus, my interpersonal awareness was heightened.
- R. Lynn
I am not alone even in my darkest moments and my experience heightens my connection to others. Death touches everyone and is ’the great equalizer’. The hard lesson for me was that the moment I dreaded, the moment I prepared for, and spent time thinking about what I wanted to say, how I would react, what I could DO to be calm and controlled support for my family, did not happen. I made a choice to not be present physically and it was OK. It was still powerful and meaningful and still out of my control but I did prepare and decrease the spiral of grief to what I could manage in increments.
​
Photo- Plant sprouting. My sister brought a few huge pots of elephant ear plants down to me two years ago. I do not have the patience or the attention span that plants require. Even though I neglected it this plant will not give up! My dad was pretty tenacious about some things and I am too. Maybe this plant can tell that its caretakers, good and thoughtless, have that tendency and won’t give up, either.
- Lynn
Lean on Me
Other times, you may fall and those around you will be there to catch you. You may be surprised by loved ones who step forward to be by your side through your grief process. I have found that those who have gone through similar losses understand my pain and have connected with me through my grief journey.
- Christine
Find happiness in even the worst circumstances.
- Maria
I learned that life does come in seasons. Each season can bring new life and new death. I have to embrace the season I am in, which can be easier said.
This fall season brought death and change to the leaves of my trees. You have to work hard on something every season as I rake these leaves in a pile. I had to dump the garbage. Out with the old. I treated the grass with fertilizer and seeds for the new greenness and new grass. Everyone took turns jumping in the pile.
I learn not to take myself so seriously and laugh and play more. Love harder, be more present, and try more new experiences.
- Maya A.
One day at a time
I think recent deaths with our fur babies, passing of my mother-in-law, and now watching my father-in-law begin to decline due to dementia has me focus on what I have today. Taking one day at a time, trying not to think about the future and what that may look like, and stay grounded in today.
- Mia
We are not infinite. We are a part of nature and larger cycles that we often wish to not directly acknowledge. The loss does not minimize love or any other emotion but much like salt, brings out the deeper or more subtle aspects. We are a greater influence on more people than we may ever know while we live and so our search for meaning matters.
Photo- Sunflowers- This box holds the eulogy I wrote for my Dad. We did not have a service, he was cremated. The number of people who wrote things was overwhelming and I read things that my family never knew about so many small acts of kindness my Dad did without mentioning it to anyone. My Dad loved growing things and he gave so many flowers and flower bulbs away. Sunflowers and dahlias are a reminder of that joy of helping something grow and sharing the beauty with someone else. I love that part of my Dad’s legacy.
- Lynn
There is purpose and meaning behind every experience. Renewed belief in a higher being.
- Maria
The Climb
You can choose to keep moving forward and be proud of how far you have come. My grief process has helped me to see that my interpretation of my
experience can be either positive or negative depending on how I choose to view it. I have found that focusing on what I have gained as opposed to my
losses has helped me to move forward. I take comfort knowing how my loved ones have impacted me by making me a better person and this will continue to live on in me in my daily life.
- Christine
Paths
Paths are different for each person who goes through grief and its important to allow each person to choose their path, how they deal with grief and the time it takes to have the pain of loss reduce.
- Mia
Grace
​
Hold tight to GRACE and give it wherever you go. Most everyone has experienced a loss and many a very significant loss. This wounds us and the pain can attack us at any moment. We need to give and receive grace.
- Shanda
Stories are important. I miss hearing the change in my Dad’s voice when he went into storytelling mode. He could tell a story about nothing and convince you it was the most real thing that ever happened! He did not talk much about his own life and in his stories, he gave you just a glimpse of who he was. In the processing of my relationship with my Dad after his death, I continue to think of a day we spent talking a few months before he really lost his sense of present time. We were sitting in the kitchen where all good talks occur and he said in this soft thoughtful voice, “I don’t really know you”. I replied that we could change that, and that I did not really know him either. I can’t remember what happened after that except that when I was back home, five hours away in a different state, back in my own safe environment, I wrote a long letter to him in big print about seven or eight pages. I shared my thoughts on lots of different things. My mom told me later he like reading it, but I will never know for sure what he thought or what he might have said in return. That is not the point of it though. What matters is that I reached out, I was receptive to listening and I offered more love. I think that and being a good storyteller in my own way is a great worldview to possess and pass on.
Photo - Cup of Tea and journal - Dad drank tea, preferably Red Rose tea. If you came into the house you got a cup of tea. A second cup? Settle in, because you are about to get some good story time. He was actually pretty quiet other than that.
- Lynn
Memorial
​
Cultural values are important for individuals who struggle with grief. As someone who is Jewish the ritual parts of death start with burying within 24 hours.You bury in simple clothing with a wood coffin as everyone is equal in death. Dust to dust. Then you sit Shiva for 7 days where family and friends bring food and visits to your home. This allows people to come to you and ensure you think of nothing but loss for the 7 days - you don't need to worry about cooking or meals. Then every year you light a memorial candle to remember them yearly. I think the process is helpful to have you move through phases. For clients their cultural and religious views are important as part of how we all grieve and should be explored as an outlet for grief and support.
-Mia
To check in with myself constantly - always looking to see what's beneath the surface. This is my way of staying well.
- Maria
Valuing Feelings
​
My experience thrust me into a much greater respect and awareness of feelings and how to help others embrace them like I have.
- Shanda
Memorial Park
I think having both my parents gone - as what I joke as an orphan, its important to have the ability to connect with those that passed. This is the plate where my parents are buried. We bring them flowers when we visit and there is a small picture of both of them that we flip up. We also place a stone on the name plate indicating we were there. Their plate also have the holocaust survivor symbol. Shalom Memorial Park is actually very peaceful and serene and really allows you to be "quiet with your thoughts". I think having these ways of working through grief has increased my sense of spirituality which helped me get through grief.
- Mia
Hiking is My Therapy
Being outdoors and hiking is therapy for me and has helped in the healing process. It allows me to clear my mind and helps to keep me grounded. I know
that taking care of myself allows me to be present for my clients so I can be my best to serve them. I enjoy my work as a counselor and I believe I have
the best job in the world. I get to share in intimate details of a clients life and be alongside them in their journey. I learn from my clients and hope that they learn from me as well.
- Christine
The Heart's Grief Journey
​
I had my own journey that went from broken-hearted to limping heart to mended heart. Others can too.
- Shanda
Rocky River
This is a path I didn't want to take but I was forced to take. There was nothing I could do to prevent myself from taking this path. I have no control. Nothing I did or didn't do has gotten me here. I have to keep moving to survive. Stopping here will ensure my death. Pushing myself every day and every way is my existence. I am not an anomaly. Everyone must travel this path. The two certainties of life are that you will witness new life and death. Finally standing that close to the solid ground gave me the confidence to stop and capture the moment.
- Maya A.
The John
You may have days where you go backwards in your grieving process and you may feel like your life is in the shitter. I know that the losses I have experienced have helped me to gain a better understanding of the grief/loss process that my clients are experiencing as well. I hope that it helps me to be more empathetic and to be a better counselor.
-Christine
Kindness, compassion, and patience are the values that were most influenced by my grief experience.
- Maria
My father was a holocaust survivor who saw death everyday while in the concentration camps. When growing up I was intrigued how not only did my dad physically survive but how did he emotionally survive. I was born when he was 50 years old and already established in the states, my older brothers were born in refugee camps. So my brothers were gone while I was growing up and my dad was my everything. After his passing, he was 91 and I was almost 41, he passed as a result of his dementia impacting his functioning. He knew who I was but his death had a profound painful impact on me where I couldn't work or do anything but cry.
Since we are Jewish we sit Shiva and one morning as I am crying looking through all my pictures, my son Josh came running down (note my son had anxiety and was often scared of things) and told me Grandpa came and talked to him last night. I stopped dead and looked at him. As he was jumping on couches he said grandpa came through the closet and said, "let your mom know I am okay". My heart stopped right there and then. Josh said "and he told me to always do my best". I asked him what he looked like and he pointed to a collage of pictures I had up. This picture was
the picture. This was his passport picture upon arriving at Ellis Island when entering America. Josh said also "and he was wearing that hat we buried him in". I was an emotional wreck but at the same time I had such a sense of relief just knowing he was okay. I am too type A so there was no way I would be open to such an experience and yet Josh was not afraid but was open to seeing and hearing my dad. Profound relief came from this moment.
- Mia
Grief Support
The most crucial aspect of my understanding was attending a grief support group some 7 years later after my loss.
- Shanda
and my space to be in so they know they are not alone, they are valued, heard, seen, and cared for in their floundering and loss.
Photo- Book on anger and ceramic tree base holding stones. My dad had a lot of loss and grief, missed opportunities, and rough experiences he did not talk about. Depression can often express as anger because anger is oddly more acceptable. He would blow up every once in a while but more often he went off into the woods. We used to joke that when he died like a wounded animal goes off alone for their death, we would just find him out under a tree one day. I wish that would have been his ending. I realize there is an unspoken truth that no one would know unless I shared it. When I say that I wish my Dad would have been able to die in the woods as my family half-joking talked about, it is because he actually died alone in a facility that was not the best but best we could afford and he hated it.
- Lynn
I also draw on my experiences as a pastor so this is a bit of a hybrid answer. We often see death represented in art as small tight spaces, dark bodies curled up and clenched fists. In reality, it is expansive. It opens the eyes and rips open long-buried emotions or memories and a lot of previously hidden things can come to light. Death can be joyful and it can be healing. For every howl of despair, there is a responding low sweet sigh of relief. Our words matter, not pushing our own experience on another in that season of grief is imperative. It is not our time but the person we are holding in an embrace of positive regard. I value people being honest about how they feel, reflecting on what they are expressing, and not adding my own influences. I tell people it is a privilege to be let into such a personal time and that I honor that. Because I value honesty, I don’t put sugar on it or offer pedantic nonsense about better places, or being called home. I don’t say anything about holistic thought or spiritual care (odd for a pastor?) but I do let people know that I can do so if they wish after they mention it first. I focus on the person in front of me and I wait. I give people time. I cancel or reschedule other appointments to lunch, paperwork hours, or colleagues if it is a sudden thing and give the person my time